I used to be The Guy that fell in love quickly and deeply.
I'd send all these fancy, well-worded expressions of love to someone I hardly knew.
I was sweet, caring and adored the woman I admired.
Infatuation always brought out the best in me.
The crazy stuff I did may have been embarrassing, but I always believed I achieved something.
That sense of fulfillment in seeing that girl smile...
It was my drug - and I was addicted.
But after all, wasn't it just infatuation to begin with?
Sure, to others it might have seemed ridiculous in putting that much effort to someone I hardly knew, but to me, I guess I would have said that "love makes us do crazy things".
But then this is where it gets me.
The others weren't exactly right, but I had no other choice because it was socially unaccepted in modern ways of dating.
To them, taking chances are stupid and unreliable.
I had to be normal like the others and go with acquaintances > friends > "MU" > bf/gf > lovers.
Or else, I would end up a loser lost in love and no one would go out with me at all.
Why was I so head-over-heels on finding a girl?
I didn't know myself.
But I think it has something to do with the fear of spending your future with nobody or that people will be less likely atoned to you because you have never had a relationship.
I used to be The Guy that was kind of shy around girls.
I would spend hours and hours trying to get a girl to notice me, but I would shy away if she did.
I had no confidence, I was no one to begin with.
Why would I matter?
I experienced my first heartbreak.
I always imagined that the person that I liked was the person I was going to marry.
Boy, was I wrong.
Was I really going to let myself get down because no one likes me?
So I learned to respect myself and others.
I went out there and put my name on lights.
Suddenly I was someone after all.
That's where things get messed up.
I had changed the way I look at girls.
In some way I'll never understand, they preferred those who didn't give a fuck and was free to do whatever they wanted.
If they were rich, it'd be a bonus.
If they had their own car... Jackpot.
They had to be a drinker, a smoker and probably at least once in his life, taken drugs, had sex or been anywhere above 2nd base.
Tattoos, piercings and bling are sometimes appreciated.
They had to be tall and handsome.
Well, they didn't have to be THAT handsome.
Just as long as you were some Western (American, European, etc.) or Oriental (Chinese, Japanese, etc.) looking badass, you'd fit the bill.
Basically what you'd find in a magazine for tweens.
Those 'bad boy' types - those made famous by Jed Nelson in The Breakfast Club.
But that didn't seem to fit me.
So I held that 'bad boy with good manners' attitude.
Every time I introduced myself it would be that egocentric asshole that would do the talking.
Bull crap and motherfucking shit talk about how I "recently learned to drive a car" or "almost smoked a joint but chose not to" or how "this girl was 'totally up in my grill yo'."
But deep inside all I really wanted to know is if that girl played Final Fantasy VI.
It was fucking ridiculous.
I hated the times I had to lie to even get a girl interested in me.
But for some fucked up reason, it worked out a few times for me.
It's the reason why I got into my first few interests.
They all heard lies in the beginning, they saw that self-assured confident bastard.
But every time we got deeper into the relationship I would go back to my old self and be cheesy, clingy and romantic.
Then they realize that I'm not the person they met.
I get attached and it makes them uncomfortable.
Not long after that, the interest fades - the flames die out and out comes a puff of smoke that says "I think we should stop whatever this is".
Hell, sometimes, no smoke comes afterwards.
And it sucks. Why?
Because now, recently past relationships, I've turned into a complete asshole.
I start out as a bad boy but then when I get deeper into the relationship I don't show that 'romantic, cheesy' stuff unless I'm certain that we'll go the next level. So basically, all those who I don't like that much experience the asshole treatment all the way until the end and never get to see The Guy that I used to be.
And when I do, it ends horribly as well, because I don't give them much space.
They should see how I treat others that I give space to. If you asked me to give you space, I'd disappear from your sight and show myself when you've cooled down.
Somehow, I only show who I really am to people I REALLY like.
But it never works out with the people I show it to.
So it's hard to shoot where there are only few good targets, and when I do shoot, the target goes running off.
A hard game of "find the needle in the universe".
I used to be The Guy that tells friends about every single romantic detail about me and a girl.
I told my friends how this one time I held a girl's hand by accident and it was okay with her and she smiled at me.
Or how I gave her flowers and really huge chocolates for gifts.
I would hardly go into intimate details like kissing, but you get the gist.
I always thought that it was okay with her that I told her these stories.
But as I grew up, I learned through others that what I was doing was immature or for girls only, so I stopped doing it.
I really wish that I could tell others how I love my girl so much, but then it would come off weird and desperate and make them feel insecure.
I can't brag about my girl that much either because then that would make me look pompous and annoying.
I really want to confess my love for someone publicly, even just for once, but people look down on others that take a chance, so I can't do that.
I want the whole world to know that I love that girl. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a lot of things I wish I could do.
I wish I could skip asking for the girl if I wanted to court her.
Skip the nonsense lies to impress someone.
Most of all, skip depression and go straight to love.
But I can't.
:(
No comments:
Post a Comment